Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
