dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm like, not good at living.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
