I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
