My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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