if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So much Jack, so little girl.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
