I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
