Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
