After last night, I could never be a politician.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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