i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
