I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Boobs are out for the taking
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
