She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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