he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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