I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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