I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
