I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
