I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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