Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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