It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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