I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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