my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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