apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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