You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
