If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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