If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
