You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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