i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
