I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
