He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
