god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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