I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
