If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
