I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
