You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
