thus making me awesome and them whores
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
