whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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