I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i dont even know how to be here
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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