I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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