My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
