I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
