the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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