i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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