My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
