I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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