well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
