So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
