im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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