dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
