I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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