Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
