they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
