Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
