Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
