we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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