For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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