youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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