Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
