I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
