Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
